My prayers have been answered everyone. It is a glorious day when whiny, crybaby, spoiled-rotten brats finally get their just desserts. Lindsay is going to the clink. Check out her sentencing at the link. Just the look on her face before you even push play says it all. What a fucking dipshit.
So I got this really great deal on a new 46 inch Sony LCD TV. It was only $700 on sale. A good deal if I do say so myself. So I got it home and pulled it out of the box to admire it and set to the task of installing the wall mount. I poured myself a beer and got my tools resting assured that my new TV was leaning safely up against the living room wall. As I was beginning to drill the pilot holes for the mounting bracket I noticed some movement out of the corner of my eye. I turn my head to look and my youngest son (he is three) is sitting in front of my new TV with a box of crayola markers. He is drawing a picture of Mommy and Daddy on the big 46 inch screen. What a little rascal Ha ha. I went back to installing the wall mount. I grin to myself at my wonderfully smart three year old son and then look over my shoulder to see him trying to pick up the massive TV. He actually has the corner off the ground. He is freaking strong for a three year old. The proud Papa that I am, I give a chuckle and grin and think to myself, "Boy I wish my wife could see this. She would be so thrilled." I finally get the bracket mounted securely to the wall. It sits there waiting to hug my new TV when I hear a huge crash. I spin around and see my brand new TV face down on the floor. I walk over and pick it up. Carry it over to the wall mount ignoring the obvious gash in the screen and mount it to the wall and plug it in. Sure the picture only shows on half the screen, and it is kind of hard to make out through the blue pants my son drew on the screen. And the sound only crackles when you turn the volume up past 5%. But what a great deal for a TV. Only $700.
As I am sure you have already figured out, there is a moral to this story. When you were reading this, were you thinking, "What is this asshole doing letting his kid draw all over his new TV? Why is he letting a three year old anywhere near it?" Well for those of you with kids get ready because this is for you. YES IT WAS FUCKING CRAZY FOR ME TO LET MY THREE YEAR OLD ANYWHERE NEAR MY NEW TV (it was a story. It didn't really happen by the way). This is the exact same thing that you are doing when you let your toddler play with your new Iphone. That is also a $700 dollar piece of electronics. Its not fucking cute when your kid grabs your Blackberry, Droid, Iphone etc off the counter and starts pushing buttons. Getting their poop covered fingers all over the new AMOLED touch screen. Its not cute when they pretend they are mommy walking off with your Smartphone in one hand headed toward the nearest toilet. You wouldn't let your toddler anywhere near your $700 dollar TV so why do you let them anywhere near your $700 dollar Iphone? So the next time your toddler grabs mommy's Droid, take it right away from them and replace it with hammer and point them toward the nearest big screen tv, laptop, stereo system and let them have it. Its the same thing.
Thanks for the idea BR.
So I have a bone to pick with you Barak Obama. We all know that you are trying your hardest to stem the tide of oil gushing from the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico. You are "kicking ass", establishing slush funds, and in a matter of a few months the leak will be minimized by 90 percent and in a few decades the coastal Wetlands of the Gulf Coast will be restored to their former beauty. I understand that the American Military does many things well and deep water ruptured oil well repair is not one of them. I know you are doing everything you can to fix this. The BP disaster is not my problem. But what the hell are you doing, Mr.Obama, to stop Earthquakes and Tornadoes from hitting Michigan on the same day? A 5.5 magnitude temblor was felt here in Southeast Michigan as well as several other midwest and Canadian areas. Then just 10 hours later Tornado touches down outside of Saline Michigan just 12 miles from my house. WTF Obama? NOAA, The National Weather Service and the US Geological Survey work for you. You have a problem on your hands. These departments are obviously spending tax-payer money on strippers, booze, and cocaine when they should be working around the clock preventing Earthquakes and Tornadoes. Mr President, why have you not called up the Army Corps of Engineers to install shock absorbing systems between all of the world's tectonic plates? Talk about putting America to work. Teachers and schools would need to be created to train these Engineers to go deep into the Earth's crust and fix this problem. It is long overdue.
Mr President, are you aware of DARPA? I know you don't have a ton of experiencing interacting with the military so I will let you in on a little secret. The DOD has a group called DARPA. They are mad scientists that go around thinking up all sorts of crazy ideas that can be used by the Military. Stealth comes to mind. So why are they not working on an Aircraft designed to enter areas of high wind shear and create counter winds to eliminate Tornado causing shear. For fuck sake, tornadoes are entirely preventable and you are sitting on your hands while average Americans have to deal with the horrific aftermath.
And what about the small group of us that have to experience both of these terrifying events on the same day? Where is our bailout? I am so disappointed in this Democratic Party that has traditionally spoken up for the minority. Well there is no Minority in greater need of help than those of us experiencing Tornadequakes on a daily basis.
Just imagine this doomsday scenario. The Tornadequake hits rupturing the surface of the earth spewing hot magma into the air, which is then whipped up into the funnel cloud and flung over cities and farms lighting everything in sight ablaze. And you are focusing all of your efforts and resources on little tar balls washing up on some beaches? Wow. Talk about wrong priorities. I'm sorry Mr. President but your lack of action on this issue has cost you my vote.
So why in the world are people paying $12 for a movie ticket to see this movie called Babies? I don't understand why anyone would pay that kind of money to spend 80 minutes watching tiny humans shovel money into their mouths and successfully turn it into poop. Because that's all babies do. They are basically wriggling poop vending machines. You insert the cash in through the slot at the top and then wait a little bit and then out the slot at the bottom is a nice smelly shit. Awesome! And the ones that do grow up usually end up growing into douche bags so what is the point? Yet people are flocking in droves to see this movie. And now that Oprah is on-board with it, its going to be the successful movie of the year. And more than likely it will win Best Picture and the Director will be elected President of the United States. We all know how much influence HARPO has. The financial upside for the producers has got to be awesome. There are no subtitles, there is no dialogue, there is no narration. The movie must have cost like 20 bucks to make. Just babies eating hundreds and crapping them out. And the hundreds lose all their value. And I'm sure the babies aren't getting paid Tom Cruise money either. And even if they did get that kind of money they would just cram it into their tiny mouths and we all know what the outcome will be.
So please do all of us, and yourself, a favor. Don't spend $12 dollars to see this movie. Let's all get together on this and make something that Oprah loves a failure for the first time ever. And if you really need to see babies being babies I have just the thing for you. Open your web browser, enter www.youtube.com into your address bar and when the page loads search the site for the word Baby. You can spend 80 minutes watching the same crap and all for free.
Matt Roloff is pretty much a dirt bag. We all know about his DUI and his weaseling out of a second one two years later. That is not what I am referring to. I am referring to his latest Tom Sawyer-esque stunt called the Fort-a-thon. This event, in which disadvantaged children came to Roloff Farms and built Forts in a competition, was the most absurd thing I have seen on TV in a long while. Basically Matt wanted to have some additional buildings put up around his freaky little theme park and his kids weren't interested in doingthe work. Being insanely cheap, Matt was not going pay someone to come out and do the work so he did the next best thing; Con disadvantaged kids into doing it for him, for free, with corporate sponsorship. What an asshole. What did these kids get out of the experience? Not a damn thing. A long day of hard work under a hot sun and a certificate. Nice. What a wonderful thing for this family to do for their community. Now Matt can raise ticket prices a little for people to come see the new forts built on his farm by what were basically child slaves. I wouldn't not be shocked if one of those kids came to Roloff Farms in the future they would be charged the full admission price. I don't have anything against little people, but this guy's arrogance is amazing. Basically because he is disabled he thinks he can do anything he wants and get away with it. We can only hope that his obvious alcohol problem will reward him with another DUI and a trip to prison. Fingers Crossed!
There was once a series of movies called Faces of Death. Basically a compilation of real people filmed being killed or mutilated. Horrifying and disturbing. Watching people get hit by a train while screaming for help. Not my cup of tea. But that is how I feel when I hear the latest Lindsay Lohan news. Its like watching someone get hit by a train. She is a total catastrophe. After a trip to Cannes in which she basically drank all the wine in France of the bodies off countless boys, she returned home just in time to be 8 minutes late for her appointment with a Superior Court Judge. She missed her last court date with the glitterati equivalent excuse of "the dog ate my homework" by telling the judge she couldn't leave the non-stop party because she lost her passport. Maybe she snorted in an overzealous coke binge.
Lohan was fitted with a SCRAM device. Basically an ankle tether that monitors her for alcohol use. Nice. I hope she bedazzles it. She also has to attended weekly alcohol education classed and submit to weekly random drug tests. All of which have to be completed in Los Angeles, which according to her lawyer may cost her an acting gig in Texas. However according to Radar Online that excuse was bunk as she was not filming any movies in Texas at least according to the directors of the only two films she is currently working on. Either way thank God. If I have to endure her in another movie my girlfriend brings home I might have to punch myself in the jewels. I think the Judge should throw her lawyer in jail for contempt. That would be fun.
Now all we can hope for is Lindsay being Lindsay and doing one or all of the following: set off the SCRAM device by getting hammered drunk with girls from Pretty Wild, failing her random drug test, preferably testing positive for meth, skipping out on her alcohol classes to guzzle champagne straight from the bottle while being filmed by someone's camera phone, or just flat driving her car drunk off the Santa Monica peer. Any of these would pretty much force the Judges hand in Lindsay's probation violation hearing set for July 6th. That is plenty of time for her to do what she does best which is make a total ass of herself. I am begging for jail time. That is the ultimate gotsta go. No paparazzi in prison.
So the newest season of the Bachelorette started tonight much to my dismay. This season's lead is played by the upturned nosed Ali Fedotowsky. She is cute as a button. So cute in fact that the show's producers surely felt that her good looks and bubbly personality should not be wasted as merely the girl that won the Bachelor, but she should be the star of her own show. The producers approached her and said "Hey Ali. You are great on this show. How about you quit this show and we make you the next Bachelorette? Seriously." I think Emilio Estevez said it best in Young Guns. "Hey Bob. I'll make ya famous." If only the outcome of this Bachelorette conspiracy ended in the same way. Alas I am sure it will not. So they came up with a nice little out for Ali on the Bachelor last year. Her very important career hanging out in bars handing out free Facebook swag was simply a beard for her real career ambition; to be famous for 15 minutes to a bunch of 30 something women. Well it worked perfectly. She faked her tears well last year and quietly exited the Bachelor show to start filming her own series.
This so-called "reality" show is better scripted than many sitcoms that try to get on tv each season. And its because the audience is so gullible to believe that these people are really looking for love and falling in love. They aren't. They all want to be the next host of Inside American Idol, or some crap gossip show on the TV Guide Channel. Ali is no different. Her drive to be a TV celebrity far outweighed her quest for love. So we get yet another season of drivel.